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A Most Urgent and Critically Boring Request
My name is Frederick, but everyone I know just calls me by the diminutive, Fickdich. I was named after my grandfather, who draft-dodged his way to our great country and who once owned a gold-plated whorehouse in the Yukon.
I am on a mission to get a travel pass for my favorite eastern European to come visit me. I’ll bring her on a boat to “celebrate a wedding”, and then you know, the implication.
Before I proceed, I have so many questions for the best and biggest mind in our perfect country. By which, I mean, of course, myself. But, I am very busy. I am a lawyer soldier doctor rock star and I need a useless person to do this critically boring work. You’re useless, so why don’t you help me?
Will she need a hardcopy of the “wedding invitation” ;) ;) with her name on it?
Answer:
We don’t want this kind of outsider filth in our country for too long. Does she need to know the exact dates she will be in paradise? Or to have an exit itinerary already? It’ll be a great relief when all of these “people” are off our native-blooded soil. Are the dates she requests (aka begs) to stay written in stone? Is it bad to request 2 months, for example, for tourism?
Answer:
She has told me she requires a letter of invitation to the country by some guarantor. Well I am the best guarantor. I wondered, should this be handwritten by one of my many lackeys? Or is typed okay? Should it follow a template that can be found on the line?
Answer:
This eastern European, she owns a home in some distant city near the frontline. Does evidence of owning this home help her?
Answer:
If yes - she speaks a strange nonsense language, will the travel pass-givers need her evidence translated?
Answer:
She, like most of the poors of this world, only has about twenty-thousand of our US dollars. That’s divided amongst bank accounts and “government bonds” (what a sucker). However, like all Europeans, she is very lazy and she doesn’t collect a monthly income. Will she need to be able to show regular income?
Answer:
I’m thinking of hiring an impersonator who looks exactly like me - young, handsome, well hung - to go with her. If “I” join her, I wonder if she has a better chance of getting approval from the all powerful pass-givers. Or is it better to wait around the corner?
Answer:
The eastern European has some photos of us, to prove she knows a great and luminous man like me. Should she print those photos? To show the pass-gods and to carry them closer to her heart?
Answer:
Finally, the eastern European knows many facts about my very famous life. Not just the size of my preposterously enormous wang, but about the purity of my heart. What other kinds of facts should she know?
Answer:
A full thank you. I love you. You’re beautiful. And you’re only half as useless as I implied.
Clear & Concise Questions for Travel Pass
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1. Wedding Invitation:
Is a hardcopy of a "wedding invitation" with her name on it necessary or helpful for her travel pass application?
2. Travel Dates & Itinerary:
a) Does she need to provide exact travel dates and a confirmed exit itinerary?
b) Are the requested dates of stay flexible or fixed once submitted?
c) Is requesting a 2-month stay for tourism generally considered too long?
3. Letter of Invitation:
a) Should the letter of invitation be handwritten or typed?
b) Is it advisable to follow a template for the invitation letter?
4. Evidence of Home Ownership:
Does evidence of owning a home in her home country help strengthen her application?
5. Translation of Evidence:
If home ownership evidence is provided, does it need to be translated into English (or the local language of the consulate)?
6. Financial Proof (Income):
Is proof of regular monthly income required, in addition to savings, for her travel pass application?
7. Accompanying Person:
Does having the US citizen guarantor accompany her to the interview improve her chances of approval?
8. Photos:
Should she bring printed photos of herself with the guarantor to the interview?
9. Other Facts:
What other information about the guarantor or the trip should she be prepared to discuss during the application process?